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Message from Pastor Bill – August 2010
Cramming for Marriage
I was reading in the New York Times a couple of years ago a study done by the cruise industry on how much money they receive from last ditch efforts of married couples in hoping a romantic get away would save a fleeting marriage. Many couples, as they embark on cruise ships, are oftentimes on relationship empty instead of celebrating many years of marital bliss; at that time this article alarmed me greatly.
But let's be honest. Many of our own marriages are not as sea worthy as we'd like them to be. Some are like the U.S.S. Arizona—a roaring battleship. Some are like the Minnow from Gilligan's Island—the crew set out for a pleasant journey and ended up barely surviving on an uncharted desert island. Others are like a rowboat—it's definitely afloat, but it takes a ton of hard work to keep it moving forward.
It's the same thing for so many arenas in our lives. Our houses get a good spring cleaning. We give our cars regular tune-ups. We get performance evaluations at work.
What makes you think our marriages are any different? They need regular, proactive attention.
Jesus' words as recorded by St. Mark should encourage us to consider a marital tune-up. This passage can be a sensitive one because he addresses this issue of divorce.
We've probably all heard that divorce rates, inside and outside of the church, are the same, so we haven't exactly upheld a model of healthy and sustainable marriages for the watching world. We also haven't done a great job caring for the divorced in our churches. Divorced people tell stories of how they have been socially marginalized in the church—about being branded with the Scarlet "D."
Part of the reason the issue is a sticky one comes from the fact that there are several different streams of belief on what the Bible teaches about divorce and remarriage.
Some people believe there is no acceptable reason that allows for divorce or remarriage.
Some hold that there are acceptable reasons for divorce, such as marital unfaithfulness, but that a divorced person cannot remarry at all, save for reconciling their original marriage.
A common view in the church is that divorce and remarriage are only justifiable by the "innocent" spouse in situations of adultery or abandonment by their partner.
Still others see numerous justifiable reasons why people might divorce and freely remarry.
Consensus hardly abounds, and we would not assume to find it here today. But perhaps there is another view on divorce that we can all find common ground on.
Divorce prevention through marriage attention.
That's how Jesus handles the issue. The Pharisees have questioned him about the law: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" (10:2). They want to know about the rules. Who can and who can't? For what reasons? In which of the previously mentioned streams of belief would Jesus locate himself?
But Jesus redirects them back to God's heart for marriage. The question shouldn't be "Is it lawful to divorce?" It should be "How can we be one flesh?"
Jesus connects marriage to God's creation mandate when he recites Genesis 2. God originally made male and female (10:6). His plan was for daughters and sons to leave their families and unite into new families through marriage (10:7). Families can't be dissolved because they are of the same flesh, blood and DNA—hence marriage is described similarly: "the two shall become one flesh" (10:8).
Our society offers freedom and choice everywhere. Become a teacher, a doctor, a construction worker or a stay-at-home parent? Contemporary or traditional worship? Coke or Pepsi in diet or regular or lime or cherry or vanilla?
Our culture does not arrange marriages, thankfully. We choose our spouses as well. But after that choice is made, Jesus wants it to be clear that marriage equals one flesh equals family. And when you stop to realize it, family is one of the only things we can't choose in this life. God didn't consult us on who our parents would be—he told us to honor our mother and father (Exodus. 20:12).
When a marriage choice is made, family is made. Now God's primary concern for us is how we relate to our family, and not if we will relate to them.
As people date seriously, they inevitably think about their potential partner by asking "Can we make this work?" Once they strike their vows of marriage, the question changes to "How are we going to make this work?"
In The Mystery of Marriage, Mike Mason compares marital vows to other promises we make. He notes that promises lose their power when they are broken, but not vows. Wedding vows hold their power of intent irrespective of one's feelings and conduct. A person cannot promise to love another person — they can only vow to do so. He says, "To keep a vow therefore means not to keep from breaking it, but to devote the rest of one's life to discovering what the vow means and be willing to change and grow accordingly."
Every time we attend a wedding and hear marriage vows, it reminds us of the intents that we made to our own spouses. And anyone who is honest about marriage will tell you that holding those vows takes effort. Selflessness. Choice. Growth. Compromise.
This is what two lives becoming one flesh means.
What if a little more of both went to our marriages? I am grateful through our partnership with the Pastoral Institute here in Columbus, Georgia that on Saturday August 14th at 9:00 am-4:30 pm persons from this church are declaring that the institution of marriage is worth preserving. This session entitled "10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage"—Train the Trainer Workshop will redefine our focus on ways in community we can strengthen and sustain our marriages through conversation, reflection and understanding.
We could go on dates as spouses the way we used to as boyfriend-girlfriend. We could learn each other's love languages and put our intentionality into communicating through them. We could seek counsel from friends, pastors and professionals when we see an area of marriage to work on.
Jesus doesn't want us concerned with whether or not we can pursue divorce. He wants us concerned with whether or not we are pursuing our marriage.
Let's put some elbow grease into our relationships because we could all use some cramming for marriage. A healthy and sustained relationship means divorce prevention through marriage attention.
Peace and Power,
Pastor Bill
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